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Ping2 on the RUN =D

I set my goals high! Yes, I fell hard all the time but time and again have shown me that I landed stronger, to climb again! When you know you are going blind, you wake up everyday not to meet others' expectation, but to work hard for what you truly enjoy and believe in. This is my journey

Month

March 2017

Fight or leave

I read an article this morning that Strong Women Leave.  I understand that article because if you are trapped in a bad relationship, you must be strong enough to leave.  I am stuck again in my PhD, I cannot get the installation of the software to work even after trying hard for 2 weeks and my due date is so close.  My supervisor pointed out, is because I do not understand the basic concept of build.  I strongly agree, before this I have no idea what is a Maven and Ant, not to mention a checksum.  I wish I can pretend to know, but neh!  Not my style.  I cried because I felt disappointed with myself.  Then suddenly I realised, even if I cried, I am not going to give up.  There are things you just don’t leave, you fight!

This melts back, there is no such thing as prefect relationship.  Some are just not worth fighting.  I will not go the level that strong women fight because I am not even close to being a strong woman.  However, if you feel it is worth it, cry, keep fighting, enjoy the whole process.  Ah, now I feel so much better voicing this out!

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Seeing your life with new eyes

Have you ever stop and look at your own life not to reflect because what have happened, is irreversible.  Just purely winding back like an old film rolling right in front of you but instead of looking for places you can improve, you look at an entirely new perspective, in a positive manner, as though a light is shown on you at that time?

Everyday we remind ourselves to keep fighting, to be constantly better, but how if we just stop.  Take deep breath.  Listen instead to our surrounding, the quietness, the noisiness, and most of all, listen to your inner voice.

When I was younger, people will ask, what type of guy do you like?  I shyly answered, I don’t know and I mean every word I said.  To add up to that, I actually has a boyfriend then.  Funny this sounds.  Sadly to admit, a lot of things in my life, I didn’t know what I want.  I always think is alright, just go with the flow.  Is it?  I think no one will really know the answer.  Now I reach a point in life, is alright to don’t know, but when you look back, you can look back using the exact eyes you look at when you are at that moment or you can look at it as more mature, a person with better outlook on life.  If it was a mistake, is alright, admit it was a mistake, don’t be harsh on yourself, learn from it and move on.  If you did well, applaud yourself, stay humble, always move on.

Now, try look back with entirely new eyes, question yourself, why didn’t I see it that way?  Could I have see it another way?  Is there a better or worse way of looking at it?  That will really make you look at your life entirely differently.  For my case, before this I will think why didn’t I be with this person, but now, when I look back, I was not ready at all.  Or in another eye, with my level of indecisiveness, the outcome might have been disastrous!

Living in a man’s insecurity

You wanted the engagement because you fear I will walk away from you once I am away, you never dare to face reality, I am losing my sight, you even dare to admit, you didn’t realised was your answer.  When I called it off, you replied, how if I can’t find another one?

Now that I can open up, I admit, I was blinded by what is so called “love”.  Looking back, everything you work for is to cover up your insecurity.

When you hold a PhD from one of the best university in the world, you are once a sportsman, coming from a good family background, having a bright career ahead, what you really want is it really another trophy?  Maybe what you need is lady to match all those?  Lacking that happy family photo?  I do not blame you.  Most of us even if we never admit, we want security.  We do wish we have something to blame, maybe we can blame that this is how the society “measures” and “expect” of a success man?

Regardless, is a learning experience.  I hope I can be a better person, have a better stand especially  in my own happiness.  Learning to forgive and open up again

Forgive..pure and cleansing

When someone said a certain topic or the name of a certain person, your face or body tensed up?  Maybe the person did you wrong, maybe the situation was really indeed affecting you badly.  After some time, you still hold to that bad moment, maybe is a reminder, a learning experience you feel you need to keep reminding yourself.  Have you ever tried letting it go?  Letting it go is different than forgetting it, is a chance for yourself to be free to open up, experience new experience.  The movie “Now you see me 2”, the Fool card, it does not mean you are a fool, it means clean slate.   Only those who experience, forgive and letting go will understand what how pure and cleansing it to your soul

To stand or Not to Stand?

I need to warn those attempting to try one.  Different people have different heights and is not only about heights, your hand length, basically whole body.  I tried a cheaper version compared to a more expensive one where I can adjust sand and sit.  When I first started, it was not easy to focus, meaning, new programming task, I have to force myself to focus.  After a while, if you got used to it, no standing table, can be pain!!!!

I stopped using a standing table when I got back.  Despite me doing yoga in the morning, taking 5 mins break and jog in the evening, the back pain is terrible when you sit whole day to write!

The key here is not to be the same position all the time.  There is a few 5 mins break videos I like, which do not require yoga mat and purely standing:

My old one, just a cheaper stand, the problem was the monitor to low.  Long term, I did get back pain.  I stop using it.

IMG_1974

My new cooler one! 😀  Yes, with the keyboard compartment sliding out and you can adjust to stand or sit!

StandingLaptopDesk

New Leads

Like normal, I started feeling down, I am going blind and why I am still trying to finish my PhD.  It started asking what I can do before going blind which leads me to Quora, good answers, I wont go to a psychology but maybe a counselor.   Read more from the Quora, some one posted on SecondSight.  I read this ending blindness in National Geographic.  I decided to go to my Twitter account, where I joined all those RP related twitter accounts.  Guess what?  They might have identified the cause of retinal disease.  We still do not know why the NDA is not producing enough to fit the cell.  This is very subjective, niacin is converted by the body from vitamin B3, so I am experimenting with myself, I am going to take food rich in vitamin B3 or the supplement…

Saying goes, seeing is believing, does this means losing sight is disbelieving?

Join me on a roller coaster ride to disbelieving… hmm…this sounds like my PhD.  I am now transitioning from an independent life, doing my PhD full time as a foreigner in Melbourne to back in the hometown where I came from, where public transport is non-existence and being the “smart ass”  I choose to be avoid the unwanted from happening, I stop driving!  I now reply on my closes family to drive me!  Hell!  I am a really lucky girl!   Haha, this is my “new” life!

Doc said you are lucky if you still have your vision at 40, this year I hit 37! Time is running out! I am trying my best to live the moment! Everything I do is
purely based on the basis, I enjoy doing it!

I used to rent a room with a housemate in Melbourne, woke up, made my own breakfast and take the tram to uni, the sometimes I run home.  Now, I hardly move!!!!  I wake up to  do yoga, my dearest mummy makes me breakfast!  I go to work on my PhD.  PhD??!!! Haha, my committee thinks I am below the standard, but I just continue doing what I enjoy and I have a feeling I piss off a lot of people.  Hey!  Is part of my disbelieving process. After a day in uni, I go home and enjoy my walk or run on the treadmill and play with my three cats!  I still have some believe system, keeping myself active!  I believe that standing healthy, maybe I wont lose my sight that fast!

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