I wasted all my time googling about a crush.  Now I remember clearly why in the first place I call off my previous engagement: you only think you are helping me, but you never know what I really want.  What do I want?

I set out a task to help myself to heal.  I search keywords such as: how to let go of an old flame, love addiction, how to be not so obsess with a crush, how to love myself more, these are the results I selected out and read

What I learned?  Is stated to write it down to help me heal.  Here it goes:

First, identify the pattern.  The most dangerous pattern I can identify, I was in a 8 years relationship since I was a teenager.  Over the course, I had always wanted to call it off but never did, I stayed on hoping someone will come and rescue me.   If I recall, there was engagement proposal which I am gladly rejected.

Similar pattern emerges in my previous engagement, I too rejected his proposal.  In all the relationships, serious or just dates, I always imagine the relationships I expect.  Showering me with gifts, make me feel special, nothing wrong with all these but am I in love with the feeling or am I really in love with the person?

The pattern keep repeating and you get stuck in a relationship, it becomes unhealthy.  When I am in a relationship, I feel entirely secure!  Once I am off, I start checking on new crush, reading horoscope in the hope it will tell me when is my next love, imagining “in love” moments with a crush!  To a level, I tried to make myself look pretty again!  All these which I do not do at all when I am in a relationship.  Creepy!  Is a clear sign of my own self insecurity, using a relationship to make myself feel secure.  I actually made the statement before, I rather bleed to death than to die alone.  Loneliness is not the issue, my insecurities are.

One more pattern I display, after my first ex, on and off there are dates which abruptly, I will end it.  I know I am scared but I am not sure I am scared of what?  I searched commitment problem, I fear marriage.   http://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-love/signs-fear-of-commitment

I fear of having my heart broken, maybe I am afraid of letting someone knows me, afraid it doesn’t work out, maybe I know, he is not the right one, I fear leaving my family, \cite the webpage, will not fit into my friends or stop me from being with my friends, leave me, doesn’t know how to take care of me.

If you cannot love yourself, do not hurt yourself.  Another bad pattern I have I will imagine this person happily with another person.  In reality is all imagination and why hurt yourself?  Let go, is different than denying your feelings, such easy word that is hard to achieve but give yourself time to heal.

To further follow the advice, starting from today, 11417, the next 6 month – no contact new and old “flame”, no texting.  Instead of contemplating how if we are together, stop being silly, no such thing happen.  Breath in to make my own positive bubble grow, this of his bubble floating away.  My crush’s bubble, fly fly away  🙂

What I wish for myself is I will be able to make myself feel better, feel secure, break this bad love pattern.  Instead of imagining how my “love” will see me, why not I imagine how I want to see myself, what I want myself to achieve, like being able to perform a song, for example: rather than imagining my “love” being proud of me because I am strong as a person and able to overcome relationship problem, I imagine myself looking at myself and be proud of myself 🙂

If anyone is to ask me what is love, honestly, I have no idea but at least now I know I have to deal with my insecurity first before embarking on another journey in search of the answer to that question.

I will be able to do it, anyone that gives themselves chance, can do it!

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