I wasted all my time googling about a crush. Now I remember clearly why in the first place I call off my previous engagement: you only think you are helping me, but you never know what I really want. What do I want?
I set out a task to help myself to heal. I search keywords such as: how to let go of an old flame, love addiction, how to be not so obsess with a crush, how to love myself more, these are the results I selected out and read
What I learned? Is stated to write it down to help me heal. Here it goes:
First, identify the pattern. The most dangerous pattern I can identify, I was in a 8 years relationship since I was a teenager. Over the course, I had always wanted to call it off but never did, I stayed on hoping someone will come and rescue me. If I recall, there was engagement proposal which I am gladly rejected.
Similar pattern emerges in my previous engagement, I too rejected his proposal. In all the relationships, serious or just dates, I always imagine the relationships I expect. Showering me with gifts, make me feel special, nothing wrong with all these but am I in love with the feeling or am I really in love with the person?
The pattern keep repeating and you get stuck in a relationship, it becomes unhealthy. When I am in a relationship, I feel entirely secure! Once I am off, I start checking on new crush, reading horoscope in the hope it will tell me when is my next love, imagining “in love” moments with a crush! To a level, I tried to make myself look pretty again! All these which I do not do at all when I am in a relationship. Creepy! Is a clear sign of my own self insecurity, using a relationship to make myself feel secure. I actually made the statement before, I rather bleed to death than to die alone. Loneliness is not the issue, my insecurities are.
One more pattern I display, after my first ex, on and off there are dates which abruptly, I will end it. I know I am scared but I am not sure I am scared of what? I searched commitment problem, I fear marriage. http://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-love/signs-fear-of-commitment
I fear of having my heart broken, maybe I am afraid of letting someone knows me, afraid it doesn’t work out, maybe I know, he is not the right one, I fear leaving my family, \cite the webpage, will not fit into my friends or stop me from being with my friends, leave me, doesn’t know how to take care of me.
If you cannot love yourself, do not hurt yourself. Another bad pattern I have I will imagine this person happily with another person. In reality is all imagination and why hurt yourself? Let go, is different than denying your feelings, such easy word that is hard to achieve but give yourself time to heal.
To further follow the advice, starting from today, 11417, the next 6 month – no contact new and old “flame”, no texting. Instead of contemplating how if we are together, stop being silly, no such thing happen. Breath in to make my own positive bubble grow, this of his bubble floating away. My crush’s bubble, fly fly away 🙂
What I wish for myself is I will be able to make myself feel better, feel secure, break this bad love pattern. Instead of imagining how my “love” will see me, why not I imagine how I want to see myself, what I want myself to achieve, like being able to perform a song, for example: rather than imagining my “love” being proud of me because I am strong as a person and able to overcome relationship problem, I imagine myself looking at myself and be proud of myself 🙂
If anyone is to ask me what is love, honestly, I have no idea but at least now I know I have to deal with my insecurity first before embarking on another journey in search of the answer to that question.
I will be able to do it, anyone that gives themselves chance, can do it!
Have you ever stop and look at your own life not to reflect because what have happened, is irreversible. Just purely winding back like an old film rolling right in front of you but instead of looking for places you can improve, you look at an entirely new perspective, in a positive manner, as though a light is shown on you at that time?
Everyday we remind ourselves to keep fighting, to be constantly better, but how if we just stop. Take deep breath. Listen instead to our surrounding, the quietness, the noisiness, and most of all, listen to your inner voice.
When I was younger, people will ask, what type of guy do you like? I shyly answered, I don’t know and I mean every word I said. To add up to that, I actually has a boyfriend then. Funny this sounds. Sadly to admit, a lot of things in my life, I didn’t know what I want. I always think is alright, just go with the flow. Is it? I think no one will really know the answer. Now I reach a point in life, is alright to don’t know, but when you look back, you can look back using the exact eyes you look at when you are at that moment or you can look at it as more mature, a person with better outlook on life. If it was a mistake, is alright, admit it was a mistake, don’t be harsh on yourself, learn from it and move on. If you did well, applaud yourself, stay humble, always move on.
Now, try look back with entirely new eyes, question yourself, why didn’t I see it that way? Could I have see it another way? Is there a better or worse way of looking at it? That will really make you look at your life entirely differently. For my case, before this I will think why didn’t I be with this person, but now, when I look back, I was not ready at all. Or in another eye, with my level of indecisiveness, the outcome might have been disastrous!
When someone said a certain topic or the name of a certain person, your face or body tensed up? Maybe the person did you wrong, maybe the situation was really indeed affecting you badly. After some time, you still hold to that bad moment, maybe is a reminder, a learning experience you feel you need to keep reminding yourself. Have you ever tried letting it go? Letting it go is different than forgetting it, is a chance for yourself to be free to open up, experience new experience. The movie “Now you see me 2”, the Fool card, it does not mean you are a fool, it means clean slate. Only those who experience, forgive and letting go will understand what how pure and cleansing it to your soul
I need to warn those attempting to try one. Different people have different heights and is not only about heights, your hand length, basically whole body. I tried a cheaper version compared to a more expensive one where I can adjust sand and sit. When I first started, it was not easy to focus, meaning, new programming task, I have to force myself to focus. After a while, if you got used to it, no standing table, can be pain!!!!
I stopped using a standing table when I got back. Despite me doing yoga in the morning, taking 5 mins break and jog in the evening, the back pain is terrible when you sit whole day to write!
The key here is not to be the same position all the time. There is a few 5 mins break videos I like, which do not require yoga mat and purely standing:
My old one, just a cheaper stand, the problem was the monitor to low. Long term, I did get back pain. I stop using it.
My new cooler one! 😀 Yes, with the keyboard compartment sliding out and you can adjust to stand or sit!
Is a matter of perspective, I might think your journey is tough but you may think my journey is tough. Either way, all of us have our own journey we need to go through. Be mindful of our own journey, at the same time be mindful of others.
I have been lucky because I am able to join a Mindfulness workshop, organised by the uni, which some how is not being run again. I tried meditation before once, that time with a monk from Perth if not mistaken, back in my hometown. The meditation session was attended by those with experience in meditation. Partially because at that time, my mind wasn’t open enough. Honestly, at that time, I really thought, just sitting there! How can so many people just sit there whole day???!!! After the 5 day workshop, once a week, which was ran by a mindfulness consultant from Melbourne, I start to “feel” the effect of meditation to the body and most of all to the heart. Although mindfulness and meditation are related but once you experience it, only then you can tell the differences. I will not go around and tell you is good for you because I personally being told many times, sat once to try it out and it didn’t work. You really need a guided mindfulness approach to make it works. The consultant provided a guided meditation link which I am going to share with all of you: http://www.drrichardchambers.com/guided-mindfulness-practices/
No harm trying, especially the one on developing self compassion, when was the last time you stop and be compassionate to yourself?
My target now, recover from the cold, generate out the automated text fragments and the reward, I will be running at a location I have never been, for security purpose, I ll post it up only after the reward! Go ping2!
I realised why partially I break down and cry is because of the pressure. I even woke up in the middle of the night worrying. That is the recipe to blindness even for normal people. I accept my committee decision and take it positively to push myself but if it happens to another RP person, constantly remind yourself, don’t get caught up with your own thought of not completing on time. I am experimenting on myself and I hope if it works, if it does I can share with other RP patients especially children. I cannot emphasize enough, early detection! I went to a specs shop in Melbourne and realised they take image of the eye ball during eye checkup. Is a good early detection attemp.
I guess the key here is you need to perform, you want to do your best, yes, under pressure! At the same time, you need to maintain not only your eye health but your health in general. RP patients, you are special, unlike normal people, once our eye cells die, we are blind. I realised the past few blogs I didn’t state what I eat. The 80:20 rule. 80% food, 20% exercise. You can reduce your exercise because of the time constrain but never the food. What I had yesterday dinner, roasted chicken n hot potatoes salad. Breakfast: sesame seeds multi grain bread 2 slices. 1/2 slice Nutella. The rest plain. With 1 kiwi. Morning snack ricotta borek. Lunch hot potatoes salad. Yes salad with 4 blended leaves, carrot, tomato, beetroot tzarzaki, olive n 1/2 avocado. Afternoon snack, 1/2 pear. Dinner kimchi taufu, carrot, tomato, asparagus, seaweed noodle. 30 mins runs 3 times a week and yoga or 10k steps. Sleep, 7-8 H a day. You can wake up in the middle of the night worrying m crying. Don’t leave the bed. Rest on, 7-8 hours a day
I used to think if we push hard enough, regardless of your disabilities, we all should be treated equal, so I never raise directly my condition, unless if I need to go out alone at dark. Now I realised, I cannot be like “normal”, especially the “walk of shame”, when near due date and I have to walk out for a regular run or yoga! Parents, you really need to train your RP kids, when facing with teammates or colleagues, explain to them and even they can’t understand, continue on exercise regularly. I hope I can push for the initiative equality for not only for disabled person but people with RP, those people with condition going to be disabled. We are not using it as an excuse, never. We are trying our best to do the best but our condition requires us to put our health first!
Enough talk! System of the day: don’t get caught up with your negative thought
Goal: extract T n H!
Next goal, improve on the T n H n extract out for testing one set version papers
I woke up crying, again, after a few days of stop doing that, worrying I won’t make it. Silly me, very silly. Glad I took yesterday lunch hour to do yin yoga. At the start of the class, the teacher asked, why are you here this Friday afternoon? Listen carefully to your heart and set it your goal for this class. I thought I wanted to “run away” for a while but to my surprise, the little voice came up to me, “To be better” 🙂 I realised my weak mental habit, which I am working hard to get rid: “self-pity”, and the tendency to drown myself in it.
Every year since I am in Melbourne, I joined a winter run at the park and this year falls on this Sunday. The run starts 730 am and I have to be there at least 7 am to register and is still dark. I am still hoping my housemate can bring me there, although I can “jog” with a touch light. I wanted to give up and go on with my programming but something hit me, there are other distances, which starts later, although my initial target was 30k. “Is easier to give up then to push on!” I am not giving up! What is keeping me healthy and upbeat and I believe my eye sight still “retaining”, is because of running!
Enough of talking, you have computational model to build! System and Goal:
The problem I hit now:
My sentences was not extracted properly
Solutions so far:
Tried regular expression but now sticking 2 BreakIterator
The goal: solve the sentence breaking problem
What I learned:
Lexical matching is crucial in the pre-processing part. What arising from yesterday. could the similarity labels lead me to the meaning categories? Which leads to my next goal: Explore how to place the different similarity to the different meaning categories.
Improve my coding and research abilities!
Motivation: I am grateful for the opportunity, why I am still upbeat is not entirely because me, is the people around me, my environment. After reading the post below, reminder to myself, be a little kinder, if you see a homeless in the freezing cold, buy a cup of coffee and stop to enjoy the beautiful surrounding.
Why so hard on a person that is going to be blind? To start with, why am I being cruel to myself? I can choose to have a simple life but towards my “blindness”, I chose to do my PhD. The correct question should be, why so negative???!!!!! Is all about the correct mindset! I know why I ended up in such a hard journey, I am too optimistic! Haha, I set this year to run my 1st ever marathon. I must learn to “love” myself more! My committee said maybe my contribution is not enough to get me a PhD, so I am going all out to build my computational model. I will use my blog to keep myself motivated. My friend told me System vs Goal motivation system. I read about it. Generally:
- My goal is to build computational model.
- In the System concept, I am learning to build a computational model.
The correct approach for me now should be, System to remind myself to keep me upbeat about my learning AND with small goals to achieve my System 😀
What I learned yesterday, when converting to text from PDF, the text can entirely not appear, extremely devastation to my model. I ended up trying to convert Latex to ASCII, stupid move. At the end, I just strip off the tags, using a perl script from stackoverflow. Special thanks to them! What I learn is to be a better coder!
Today’s goal: Sentence alignment! Go Ping2!