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Ping2 on the RUN =D

I set my goals high! Yes, I fell hard all the time but time and again have shown me that I landed stronger, to climb again! When you know you are going blind, you wake up everyday not to meet others' expectation, but to work hard for what you truly enjoy and believe in. This is my journey

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Inspiration

Helping myself to Heal

I wasted all my time googling about a crush.  Now I remember clearly why in the first place I call off my previous engagement: you only think you are helping me, but you never know what I really want.  What do I want?

I set out a task to help myself to heal.  I search keywords such as: how to let go of an old flame, love addiction, how to be not so obsess with a crush, how to love myself more, these are the results I selected out and read

What I learned?  Is stated to write it down to help me heal.  Here it goes:

First, identify the pattern.  The most dangerous pattern I can identify, I was in a 8 years relationship since I was a teenager.  Over the course, I had always wanted to call it off but never did, I stayed on hoping someone will come and rescue me.   If I recall, there was engagement proposal which I am gladly rejected.

Similar pattern emerges in my previous engagement, I too rejected his proposal.  In all the relationships, serious or just dates, I always imagine the relationships I expect.  Showering me with gifts, make me feel special, nothing wrong with all these but am I in love with the feeling or am I really in love with the person?

The pattern keep repeating and you get stuck in a relationship, it becomes unhealthy.  When I am in a relationship, I feel entirely secure!  Once I am off, I start checking on new crush, reading horoscope in the hope it will tell me when is my next love, imagining “in love” moments with a crush!  To a level, I tried to make myself look pretty again!  All these which I do not do at all when I am in a relationship.  Creepy!  Is a clear sign of my own self insecurity, using a relationship to make myself feel secure.  I actually made the statement before, I rather bleed to death than to die alone.  Loneliness is not the issue, my insecurities are.

One more pattern I display, after my first ex, on and off there are dates which abruptly, I will end it.  I know I am scared but I am not sure I am scared of what?  I searched commitment problem, I fear marriage.   http://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-love/signs-fear-of-commitment

I fear of having my heart broken, maybe I am afraid of letting someone knows me, afraid it doesn’t work out, maybe I know, he is not the right one, I fear leaving my family, \cite the webpage, will not fit into my friends or stop me from being with my friends, leave me, doesn’t know how to take care of me.

If you cannot love yourself, do not hurt yourself.  Another bad pattern I have I will imagine this person happily with another person.  In reality is all imagination and why hurt yourself?  Let go, is different than denying your feelings, such easy word that is hard to achieve but give yourself time to heal.

To further follow the advice, starting from today, 11417, the next 6 month – no contact new and old “flame”, no texting.  Instead of contemplating how if we are together, stop being silly, no such thing happen.  Breath in to make my own positive bubble grow, this of his bubble floating away.  My crush’s bubble, fly fly away  🙂

What I wish for myself is I will be able to make myself feel better, feel secure, break this bad love pattern.  Instead of imagining how my “love” will see me, why not I imagine how I want to see myself, what I want myself to achieve, like being able to perform a song, for example: rather than imagining my “love” being proud of me because I am strong as a person and able to overcome relationship problem, I imagine myself looking at myself and be proud of myself 🙂

If anyone is to ask me what is love, honestly, I have no idea but at least now I know I have to deal with my insecurity first before embarking on another journey in search of the answer to that question.

I will be able to do it, anyone that gives themselves chance, can do it!

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Control the Mind or the Mind will Control You

Have you ever daydream you achieve certain success or being in a relationship, but all these are just your imagination?  We are asked to dream big, but in most cases, are we just hallucinating, or are we working towards that dream?  We never take action, the person never knew you like them, but you continue on daydreaming…and daydreaming…in a never ending circle.  The worst case, dwelling into the same problem over and over again.

Instead, take that small step.  If you imagine yourself getting that promotion, why not talk to you colleagues or friends is the promotion is available, or how to get there.  Be friends with that person, or simply, join a class you always wanted.  This is what I called Small Step that makes wonders!

Once you break free from daydreaming, you will slowly open your hearts, open your eyes to even more wonderful things.

Fight or leave

I read an article this morning that Strong Women Leave.  I understand that article because if you are trapped in a bad relationship, you must be strong enough to leave.  I am stuck again in my PhD, I cannot get the installation of the software to work even after trying hard for 2 weeks and my due date is so close.  My supervisor pointed out, is because I do not understand the basic concept of build.  I strongly agree, before this I have no idea what is a Maven and Ant, not to mention a checksum.  I wish I can pretend to know, but neh!  Not my style.  I cried because I felt disappointed with myself.  Then suddenly I realised, even if I cried, I am not going to give up.  There are things you just don’t leave, you fight!

This melts back, there is no such thing as prefect relationship.  Some are just not worth fighting.  I will not go the level that strong women fight because I am not even close to being a strong woman.  However, if you feel it is worth it, cry, keep fighting, enjoy the whole process.  Ah, now I feel so much better voicing this out!

Seeing your life with new eyes

Have you ever stop and look at your own life not to reflect because what have happened, is irreversible.  Just purely winding back like an old film rolling right in front of you but instead of looking for places you can improve, you look at an entirely new perspective, in a positive manner, as though a light is shown on you at that time?

Everyday we remind ourselves to keep fighting, to be constantly better, but how if we just stop.  Take deep breath.  Listen instead to our surrounding, the quietness, the noisiness, and most of all, listen to your inner voice.

When I was younger, people will ask, what type of guy do you like?  I shyly answered, I don’t know and I mean every word I said.  To add up to that, I actually has a boyfriend then.  Funny this sounds.  Sadly to admit, a lot of things in my life, I didn’t know what I want.  I always think is alright, just go with the flow.  Is it?  I think no one will really know the answer.  Now I reach a point in life, is alright to don’t know, but when you look back, you can look back using the exact eyes you look at when you are at that moment or you can look at it as more mature, a person with better outlook on life.  If it was a mistake, is alright, admit it was a mistake, don’t be harsh on yourself, learn from it and move on.  If you did well, applaud yourself, stay humble, always move on.

Now, try look back with entirely new eyes, question yourself, why didn’t I see it that way?  Could I have see it another way?  Is there a better or worse way of looking at it?  That will really make you look at your life entirely differently.  For my case, before this I will think why didn’t I be with this person, but now, when I look back, I was not ready at all.  Or in another eye, with my level of indecisiveness, the outcome might have been disastrous!

Living in a man’s insecurity

You wanted the engagement because you fear I will walk away from you once I am away, you never dare to face reality, I am losing my sight, you even dare to admit, you didn’t realised was your answer.  When I called it off, you replied, how if I can’t find another one?

Now that I can open up, I admit, I was blinded by what is so called “love”.  Looking back, everything you work for is to cover up your insecurity.

When you hold a PhD from one of the best university in the world, you are once a sportsman, coming from a good family background, having a bright career ahead, what you really want is it really another trophy?  Maybe what you need is lady to match all those?  Lacking that happy family photo?  I do not blame you.  Most of us even if we never admit, we want security.  We do wish we have something to blame, maybe we can blame that this is how the society “measures” and “expect” of a success man?

Regardless, is a learning experience.  I hope I can be a better person, have a better stand especially  in my own happiness.  Learning to forgive and open up again

Forgive..pure and cleansing

When someone said a certain topic or the name of a certain person, your face or body tensed up?  Maybe the person did you wrong, maybe the situation was really indeed affecting you badly.  After some time, you still hold to that bad moment, maybe is a reminder, a learning experience you feel you need to keep reminding yourself.  Have you ever tried letting it go?  Letting it go is different than forgetting it, is a chance for yourself to be free to open up, experience new experience.  The movie “Now you see me 2”, the Fool card, it does not mean you are a fool, it means clean slate.   Only those who experience, forgive and letting go will understand what how pure and cleansing it to your soul

I don’t hide my Excitement – My 1st ever full marathon Done!

Since the my last 21km last August, I never run more than that because I was concentrating on another thing on my bucket list, my PhD.  Officially, I am done with 2 things in my bucket list, ran a full marathon 5H34mins and ran for awareness of medical research in for RP!  #RPAwareness

If you would like to support my initiative: https://give.everydayhero.com/au/retinitis-pigmentosa-medical-research

Special thanks to Alex for the wonderful dinner, Trista, the amazing desserts and Lisa, for always being there for my runs!  Love you girls heaps!  Not forgetting the lady that gave me Allen Snake jellies!

The run experience, I started with the 4H20min pacers, slowly drifting off but is ok, is my own journey!  I was upbeat till the end, the energy level was good.  I was always running with the 35 years spartan runners!  Another lady, her 200 marathons!  Inspiration!  Then there is those running for cancer.  Most inspirational, almost heading back to MCG, there is this boy, cerebral palsy with his dad.  Everyone was cheering for him, I past him and heard his dad asked him, “Do you want to do this?”  He replied, “yes”.  I turned back and saw his dad said we will do this together, his dad kisses him.  Catching this moment melts my heart.  Things happened for a reason, catching that moment showed me that the hardship I am facing is nothing compared to them.  All the runners I came across, keep me grounded!  This full marathon experience has been a superbly humbling one.

About the run organisation, there is no more energy drink after 21km, and no apple or banana end of the race.  I walked the last 4km, because of knee problem.  Honestly, it didn’t take me that long.  Then my friend said even for 1/2 marathon, no apple or banana end of the race.  I joined the year before and it was not like this!  I am not even comparing to those overseas ones that I had ran before like KL or HK marathon.  Even compare to Brisbane marathon, Melbourne Marathon really need to step up the game! #MelbourneMarathon2016

From a low point to a high point, the day before the race, I was told my dad was hospitalised and my dog died.  I really want to finish my PhD fast and move on to the next stage of my life!  Mentally, the starting part of this run, I was really anxious that I will not be able to finish.  As the run started, I am imagining that Tung2, my dog is free now, the happy old Tung!  Before this he had a stroke and can’t move.  He was a good dog.  Then the later part of the run, I feel I am so lucky, RP has no physical pain at all, compared to other diseases.  I stayed upbeat all through the run because of this positive energy others generated!

“We are too busy to make a living till we have forgotten our dreams or is it that, we are so busy chasing our dreams that we have forgotten how to live?  I thank early detection of RP, you make me realised life is more than chasing dreams.  A simple word: living but extremely hard to balance!”

It takes a blind 12 years old to stand up!

Another inspiration!

http://www.news.com.au/finance/money/wealth/the-cool-thing-you-probably-wont-notice-about-the-new-5-note/news-story/0fdf9601e50c29708269b986e2ebb425

I really do not understand, why the idea was not accepted at first.  The tactile really do not distract anyone at all but means so much to the visioned impaired.  If I knew then, I would have stand up together with him!  But I am still happy with the outcome!

Yes! You can program even if you are blind!

I found these sites and you guess it right, I am doing a computer science course!

Is really not easy coming from a poorer country and to be blind.  You have my respect:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/T._V._Raman

More discussions here:

When things are tough, I will think why not just give up since the future is bleak?  I had been to a university in Malaysia and now in Melbourne, you can really count the “number” of people with special needs!  I really hope is not because of the lack of opportunity but just need some special training.  I am almost done with the first part of my computational model!  System AND Goal!  Visualise the happiness at the end of a hard journey!  Go Ping2!!!

System: Learn to perserve

Goal: Link the T / H to the earlier alignment results

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