Ping2 on the RUN =D

I set my goals high! Yes, I fell hard all the time but time and again have shown me that I landed stronger, to climb again! When you know you are going blind, you wake up everyday not to meet others' expectation, but to work hard for what you truly enjoy and believe in. This is my journey

Seeing your life with new eyes

Have you ever stop and look at your own life not to reflect because what have happened, is irreversible.  Just purely winding back like an old film rolling right in front of you but instead of looking for places you can improve, you look at an entirely new perspective, in a positive manner, as though a light is shown on you at that time?

Everyday we remind ourselves to keep fighting, to be constantly better, but how if we just stop.  Take deep breath.  Listen instead to our surrounding, the quietness, the noisiness, and most of all, listen to your inner voice.

When I was younger, people will ask, what type of guy do you like?  I shyly answered, I don’t know and I mean every word I said.  To add up to that, I actually has a boyfriend then.  Funny this sounds.  Sadly to admit, a lot of things in my life, I didn’t know what I want.  I always think is alright, just go with the flow.  Is it?  I think no one will really know the answer.  Now I reach a point in life, is alright to don’t know, but when you look back, you can look back using the exact eyes you look at when you are at that moment or you can look at it as more mature, a person with better outlook on life.  If it was a mistake, is alright, admit it was a mistake, don’t be harsh on yourself, learn from it and move on.  If you did well, applaud yourself, stay humble, always move on.

Now, try look back with entirely new eyes, question yourself, why didn’t I see it that way?  Could I have see it another way?  Is there a better or worse way of looking at it?  That will really make you look at your life entirely differently.  For my case, before this I will think why didn’t I be with this person, but now, when I look back, I was not ready at all.  Or in another eye, with my level of indecisiveness, the outcome might have been disastrous!


Living in a man’s insecurity

You wanted the engagement because you fear I will walk away from you once I am away, you never dare to face reality, I am losing my sight, you even dare to admit, you didn’t realised was your answer.  When I called it off, you replied, how if I can’t find another one?

Now that I can open up, I admit, I was blinded by what is so called “love”.  Looking back, everything you work for is to cover up your insecurity.

When you hold a PhD from one of the best university in the world, you are once a sportsman, coming from a good family background, having a bright career ahead, what you really want is it really another trophy?  Maybe what you need is lady to match all those?  Lacking that happy family photo?  I do not blame you.  Most of us even if we never admit, we want security.  We do wish we have something to blame, maybe we can blame that this is how the society “measures” and “expect” of a success man?

Regardless, is a learning experience.  I hope I can be a better person, have a better stand especially  in my own happiness.  Learning to forgive and open up again

Forgive..pure and cleansing

When someone said a certain topic or the name of a certain person, your face or body tensed up?  Maybe the person did you wrong, maybe the situation was really indeed affecting you badly.  After some time, you still hold to that bad moment, maybe is a reminder, a learning experience you feel you need to keep reminding yourself.  Have you ever tried letting it go?  Letting it go is different than forgetting it, is a chance for yourself to be free to open up, experience new experience.  The movie “Now you see me 2”, the Fool card, it does not mean you are a fool, it means clean slate.   Only those who experience, forgive and letting go will understand what how pure and cleansing it to your soul

To stand or Not to Stand?

I need to warn those attempting to try one.  Different people have different heights and is not only about heights, your hand length, basically whole body.  I tried a cheaper version compared to a more expensive one where I can adjust sand and sit.  When I first started, it was not easy to focus, meaning, new programming task, I have to force myself to focus.  After a while, if you got used to it, no standing table, can be pain!!!!

I stopped using a standing table when I got back.  Despite me doing yoga in the morning, taking 5 mins break and jog in the evening, the back pain is terrible when you sit whole day to write!

The key here is not to be the same position all the time.  There is a few 5 mins break videos I like, which do not require yoga mat and purely standing:

My old one, just a cheaper stand, the problem was the monitor to low.  Long term, I did get back pain.  I stop using it.


My new cooler one! 😀  Yes, with the keyboard compartment sliding out and you can adjust to stand or sit!


New Leads

Like normal, I started feeling down, I am going blind and why I am still trying to finish my PhD.  It started asking what I can do before going blind which leads me to Quora, good answers, I wont go to a psychology but maybe a counselor.   Read more from the Quora, some one posted on SecondSight.  I read this ending blindness in National Geographic.  I decided to go to my Twitter account, where I joined all those RP related twitter accounts.  Guess what?  They might have identified the cause of retinal disease.  We still do not know why the NDA is not producing enough to fit the cell.  This is very subjective, niacin is converted by the body from vitamin B3, so I am experimenting with myself, I am going to take food rich in vitamin B3 or the supplement…

Saying goes, seeing is believing, does this means losing sight is disbelieving?

Join me on a roller coaster ride to disbelieving… hmm…this sounds like my PhD.  I am now transitioning from an independent life, doing my PhD full time as a foreigner in Melbourne to back in the hometown where I came from, where public transport is non-existence and being the “smart ass”  I choose to be avoid the unwanted from happening, I stop driving!  I now reply on my closes family to drive me!  Hell!  I am a really lucky girl!   Haha, this is my “new” life!

Doc said you are lucky if you still have your vision at 40, this year I hit 37! Time is running out! I am trying my best to live the moment! Everything I do is
purely based on the basis, I enjoy doing it!

I used to rent a room with a housemate in Melbourne, woke up, made my own breakfast and take the tram to uni, the sometimes I run home.  Now, I hardly move!!!!  I wake up to  do yoga, my dearest mummy makes me breakfast!  I go to work on my PhD.  PhD??!!! Haha, my committee thinks I am below the standard, but I just continue doing what I enjoy and I have a feeling I piss off a lot of people.  Hey!  Is part of my disbelieving process. After a day in uni, I go home and enjoy my walk or run on the treadmill and play with my three cats!  I still have some believe system, keeping myself active!  I believe that standing healthy, maybe I wont lose my sight that fast!

Is My Karma

I had been repeating this same story over and over again and I want to let this go but I know is a valuable learning lesson for myself.  My bro told me to write a book and all profits go to support RP patients, I seriously do not think anyone will be interested.

This is not to blame anyone, there is no one to blame, I did not choose my genes.  I guess this is something most RP patients will ask, can my partner accept me when I am blind, can his/her family be able to accept my condition and how if I choose not to have kid? This is my experience, everyone goes through different experience.

Yes, I decided to leave Melbourne and go back to my hometown to be with family and fiance.  Is a small city with terrible or almost nonexistence public transport.   I decided to stop driving, I do not want an accident to happen to other people just because it was more convenient for me to drive.  The first week I am back, everyday my parents will drive me to my then fiance’s home, which he lives with his family.  We work in the same place.  That week, every day his mum attended Qi Gong classes.

After a week, on a Thursday specifically, his mum did not attend the class instead, she stayed home.  She told me she has something to tell me.  She said I came too early and it disturbed his son’s sleep.  I told her honestly, I told my fiance, I will follow my brother in law to work as he lives nearby and needs to send his son to school but my fiance insisted I followed his car.  Then his mum said, you need to be independent, once in a while you need to drive.  This was a slap in the face.  She did not know my condition.

Before I decided to get engaged, from the start of the relationship, I told my ex, please inform your family about my eye condition and he replied he did.  His parents said it is up to him to make the decision.  He said he choose to be with me, that is why I agreed to go with the engagement.  I have nothing to hide.  I told her nicely about my condition, where I am slowly losing my eye sight.  And she said sorry for bringing this up and she made a point to add that I must realised that things are getting more expensive now.  I replied her honestly, I am glad she brought this up.  I have nothing to hide.  She told me to meditate so oxygen will flow to the eyes.  I agreed.  Then she said maybe you guys should consider getting married and age is catching up and you might have problem having kids.   This was the biggest slap, she didn’t know this is a genetic problem.  I told her nicely, you are a mother, you should be able to understand how I feel, I cannot put myself to have kid knowing I am going blind and to have a kid like my condition, I really have no heart to do so.  I said I am Buddhist and I know, as long as I am on this earth, we have to go through this suffering.  Her replied, this is my karma.  I am glad all these happened right in front of the Buddha statue because it gave me this calmness, superficial you might called me.  I gathered myself and by then my ex came out from his room.  I am glad his brother followed in the car.  It gave me time to think through things.  Before this, we agreed no kid but when my then fiance saw the article on surrogate mother, ovum donated from others, he did brought the topic up.  But from the start I really do not want to burden another human being.

That afternoon, I confronted him, why didn’t you tell your family?  Why did you lie about telling your family when you didn’t?  He replied, he really love me for my honestly from the start and my willingness to communicate about everything.  The trust is broken, I think his mum “rescued” the situation from turning bad.  From the start until now, I do not blame him, I do not have the heart to blame him at all.  He is a normal person that only want a normal family.  Now is clear, I know his family really want him to have a normal family and most of all, he wants kids.  My personal advice, in a relationship, if both are heading the same direction, is alright but when both are moving the opposite ways, re-evaluate the relationship.  Is hard now but is better now then later, is for the best.  I did not see this coming but is not surprising.  I think I am upfront about my condition, preparing for the worse, despite all these, things might not necessary turn the way you expect, because age changes what we want.  I too understand, time heals.  I only wish him and his family the best.

A good friend asked me, what is your plan now?  Pick up the loose end.  Finish my PhD, be comfortable in my own skin, to travel again, maybe design things for the people like me or teach programming to kids 🙂  Keep the hope alive!  This is my karma! 😀

my biggest fear is not myself

I live my life never letting RP stop me, just to fall for this one!  From the start I made it clear, I am going blind and this is a genetic disorder and we are not going to have kid, again and again I reminded you.  I never see this coming, calling off my engagement.  I fear my kid will be like me, my parents didn’t know, but I know the consequences clearly.  This is a normal question RP will ask themselves, do you want kid that might have the same problem at you?  There are those that are brave, knowing everything and still take the risk, I do not fall into this category.  Self sympathy is strong, but I need to let this go, I come so far for my PhD, I have to finish this.

Goodbye my love, wishing you and your family all the best..if you think this is hard, is even harder for me…

I don’t hide my Excitement – My 1st ever full marathon Done!

Since the my last 21km last August, I never run more than that because I was concentrating on another thing on my bucket list, my PhD.  Officially, I am done with 2 things in my bucket list, ran a full marathon 5H34mins and ran for awareness of medical research in for RP!  #RPAwareness

If you would like to support my initiative:

Special thanks to Alex for the wonderful dinner, Trista, the amazing desserts and Lisa, for always being there for my runs!  Love you girls heaps!  Not forgetting the lady that gave me Allen Snake jellies!

The run experience, I started with the 4H20min pacers, slowly drifting off but is ok, is my own journey!  I was upbeat till the end, the energy level was good.  I was always running with the 35 years spartan runners!  Another lady, her 200 marathons!  Inspiration!  Then there is those running for cancer.  Most inspirational, almost heading back to MCG, there is this boy, cerebral palsy with his dad.  Everyone was cheering for him, I past him and heard his dad asked him, “Do you want to do this?”  He replied, “yes”.  I turned back and saw his dad said we will do this together, his dad kisses him.  Catching this moment melts my heart.  Things happened for a reason, catching that moment showed me that the hardship I am facing is nothing compared to them.  All the runners I came across, keep me grounded!  This full marathon experience has been a superbly humbling one.

About the run organisation, there is no more energy drink after 21km, and no apple or banana end of the race.  I walked the last 4km, because of knee problem.  Honestly, it didn’t take me that long.  Then my friend said even for 1/2 marathon, no apple or banana end of the race.  I joined the year before and it was not like this!  I am not even comparing to those overseas ones that I had ran before like KL or HK marathon.  Even compare to Brisbane marathon, Melbourne Marathon really need to step up the game! #MelbourneMarathon2016

From a low point to a high point, the day before the race, I was told my dad was hospitalised and my dog died.  I really want to finish my PhD fast and move on to the next stage of my life!  Mentally, the starting part of this run, I was really anxious that I will not be able to finish.  As the run started, I am imagining that Tung2, my dog is free now, the happy old Tung!  Before this he had a stroke and can’t move.  He was a good dog.  Then the later part of the run, I feel I am so lucky, RP has no physical pain at all, compared to other diseases.  I stayed upbeat all through the run because of this positive energy others generated!

“We are too busy to make a living till we have forgotten our dreams or is it that, we are so busy chasing our dreams that we have forgotten how to live?  I thank early detection of RP, you make me realised life is more than chasing dreams.  A simple word: living but extremely hard to balance!”

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